Well, it's been a full month since I last posted. Which isn't a big surprise (what with "the ADD" I never expect myself to be able to stick with something,) but I'm still annoyed with myself. And really, the fact that I didn't realistically expect myself to keep up with writing regularly is part of what annoys me.

Having lots of grandiose plans, more grandiose plans than you possibly tackle is a common trait in people with ADD. As is finding it extremely difficult to accomplish any long-term projects. I have struggled with both of these tendencies for as long as I can remember. And let me tell you, it's a neat little set up for feeling like a schmuck.

With each new plan, I inevitably convince myself that this is the one, that I will finally be able to clear the hurdle and become the super organized and efficient person I dream of being. Complete with a great outfit, expensive purse and sexy little blackberry. There I go, in my imagination, striding down the street with purpose. Of course it is never this simple. And I'm sure that the people I see who do look so put together only feel about half so much, if that.

So I am forced back to earth, with the consolation that at least I'm diagnosed and no longer have to live with the awful guilt of constantly blaming myself for 'not living up to potential'.

And when I'm really honest with myself, I have to say that my screw-loose ADD brain contributes greatly to my charm (or what I like to think is charm.) I'm creative, spontaneous, sympathetic, smart and funny. All traits that can absolutely be found in my non-ADD brethren, but are given a different, shall we say - flavor? in someone with ADD.

But still, having to struggle so much harder than most people to 'keep up' gets frustrating. And I am a master of beating myself up, so instead of letting my accomplishments build me up, I frequently just write them off as flukes. Kind of retarded, hunh? I agree.

So with the blog, I was getting this nice head of steam up and writing regularly and actually liking what I was writing. But then I started to think about it, and doubt it and worry about it. So I clammed up and have been waaaay critical about what I was going to write about and have therefore stalled out. Which is frickin' ridiculous because no one is reading this thing. So why be self conscious? Why not just vomit out the chaos that inevitably builds up in my jumbly brain into this blog and stop worrying about it?

Deal, self? Deal.